Perfectionism Is Exhausting Us

• 

  Kintsugi Concept (Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold)

I’m a recovering perfectionist, and if I’m being honest, I still catch myself slipping back into it sometimes. Wanting everything to be just right. Replaying conversations in my head. Overthinking decisions. Spending too much time trying to avoid mistakes or prevent criticism. The problem is perfection is unattainable. We are human beings, not machines. We are all perfectly imperfect.

I also think many of us did not develop perfectionist tendencies out of nowhere. Society ingrains these ideas into us early. As children, many of us were rewarded for getting straight As, being “good,” following the rules, achieving, performing, and making adults proud. I know I was. For some people, mistakes were treated as learning opportunities. For others, mistakes came with embarrassment, shame, harsh criticism, or more extreme discipline that may not even be widely accepted today. Over time, many children learn that love, approval, praise, safety, or acceptance can feel connected to performance.

That conditioning follows many of us into adulthood. We become afraid to fail, afraid to disappoint people, afraid to not meet expectations. We put enormous pressure on ourselves and often tie our worth to achievement, productivity, or getting things “right.” The problem is that mindset eventually becomes exhausting. It creates anxiety, overthinking, burnout, fear of feedback, and sometimes even paralysis because we become so afraid of making the wrong decision that we struggle to move forward at all.

What I have learned over time is that perfectionism does not just impact us individually. It impacts the people around us too, especially if we are in leadership roles. Whether we realize it or not, the standards we place on ourselves often become the unspoken expectations others feel around us. Teams watch how leaders respond to mistakes, setbacks, missed goals, and failure. If leaders act like mistakes are unacceptable, people stop taking healthy risks. They become fearful, guarded, anxious, and silent.

Perfectionism can create environments where people constantly feel like they have to prove themselves or avoid disappointing others. Sometimes perfectionism disguises itself as “high standards” or “excellence,” but there is a difference between striving for excellence and believing we must never fail.

The reality is some of our greatest growth comes through failure, disappointment, and moments when things did not go according to plan. Yet many leaders rarely talk openly about those moments. We celebrate success stories but hide the struggles, missteps, insecurities, and lessons learned along the way. That silence unintentionally sends the message that successful people always get it right.

One of the most powerful things leaders can do is normalize learning through imperfection. Share the time you made the wrong decision. Talk about the presentation that did not go well. Discuss the opportunity you lost, the feedback you received, or the lesson you learned the hard way. Those conversations create psychological safety and remind people they do not have to be perfect to be valuable, capable, or respected.

I also think perfectionism changes the way we speak to ourselves, and not in a healthy way. Many perfectionists are incredibly compassionate toward others but brutal toward themselves. Brené Brown once said we should talk to ourselves like someone we love, and that stuck with me. Would we speak to someone we love the way we sometimes speak to ourselves after making a mistake? Probably not.

The beautiful thing is that as adults, we now have a choice. We can become more aware of the patterns, beliefs, and conditioning we grew up with, and we can choose differently going forward. We can still pursue growth, accountability, and excellence without demanding perfection from ourselves or others. We can create healthier workplaces, healthier relationships, and healthier conversations by allowing space for people to learn, fail, recover, and grow.

Maybe the goal is not perfection after all. Maybe the goal is growth, self-awareness, humility, resilience, and learning to give ourselves and others a little more grace along the way.